I'm back

Haven't blogged for ages.  An awful lot has been going on in my life.  About a month ago, after a series of knockbacks I suddenly (in a matter of seconds) came out of the depression I've been suffering for the last 12+ years.  Worst bit is, I was told I'd been 'cured' 11 years ago, and thought the struggle I'd been having with daily life was just normal.
The cage of depression had been preventing me getting on with anything beyond introspective doom and gloom; anger with the world and everything and everyone round me.
The knockbacks I've had;  A hidden camera stunt commissioned by channel 4 really offended me and sent me back into alcohol abuse and then back onto anti depressants;  A weekend away I'd been (desperately) looking forward to was suddenly cancelled - after I'd started coming off the anti depressants in order to be conscious of it; The final straw was a very trivial short answer from my wife.
What happened next I still don't understand, but as I turned away from my wife something shifted in my mind, all the repressions and problems of my whole lifetime evaporated; my lifetimes value system seemed turned on it's head; many things became clear.

I was a new person.  I turned and said to my wife 'I can't do this anymore, I want a divorce'.

I signed the divorce papers a couple of days ago.  All the things I'd been told to do to 'cure' the depression have now become possible.  I've written a diary, putting events and thoughts down on paper; taken up yoga and Ballroom&Latin dancing; I'm volunteering with a local environmental group.

I've learnt the truth 'Smile and the world smiles with you'.  I strike up conversations with strangers.  I have no fear of crowds and human contact.  I'm unafraid of the truth.  The door of life is open for whatever I want to make of it.

I only wish the many other people struggling with depression, diagnosed or not, could catch what I've got, the world would be a happier place.

I cannot change the past and won't beat myself up with 'what ifs'.  For maybe the first time in my life I'm free and happy.

Malicious woman rant

Had a tiring day yesterday, all the way from SE Essex to Plymouth and back by train for a University admission interview for my son.
Sitting at Fenchurch on the way home waiting for the train to start a well dressed middle aged lady got on.  Coming down the train there were plenty of seats.  My sons art portfolio was blocking one seat as it was too large to comfortably store on the racks or anywhere else.  The women promptly kicked the portfolio;  we moved it out of her way and she sat in the seat that had been blocked.  I rather assumed she was a bit drunk so made no issue of it.She then produced her phone and proceeded to make a series of phone calls.  They seemed to consist of nothing but malicious gossip, telling one person what someone else had said against them.  Thankfully she went over to text, but her whole body language just screamed the hate she was putting into the messages.  Someone (husband?) rang who she assured she'd had her hair done which is why she was late.  (lousy hairdresser I'd say).  She also put her boots on the seat opposite while doing this.  A further series of phone calls, all of which I really didn't want to hear.  For the worst bits she turned away and faced the corridor floor as if that would stop the whole carriage hearing her bellowing other peoples secrets into her phone.
Finally we got up to leave the train - she was sitting talking into her phone about a death which she obviously didn't give a **** about.  As I went to pass her she abruptly stood and leapt in front of me to leave the train first.
Rant over.
I know this woman is ultimately the biggest loser of her own behaviour.  I just wish I could grow sufficiently to simply let nasty people like this dissolve in their own malice without allowing it to bring me down.  Play nice, late night trains aren't a nice place to be.

Freezer defrost

When you're watching, the thawed water obediently drips down the outlet into your tray.

Leave it unwatched for five minutes and the floor floods...

Murder living at such high densities

More murders over the xmas/new year.  Back in the seventies there was research into high density living using loads of rats crammed into small spaces.  The results were the sort of mental problems and aggression we're getting in cities now.
Unless people are prepared to make the effort to obey all the rules PLUS be nice to each other (i.e. be civilized) the minor stresses of high density living inevitably lead to this sort of behaviour.  I've personally been through a nervous breakdown - the work stress that allegedly caused it was only part of the problem.  The constant drip of minor irritations and rudenesses while commuting and moving about London meant that it was just too hard to deal with the major work stress that I'd coped with fine for many years while working locally with relatively polite neighbours.

Quote worth repeating

I don't think of all the misery, but of the beauty that still remains... My advice is : "Go outside, to the fields, enjoy nature and the sunshine, go out and try to recapture happiness in yourself and in God. Think of all the beauty that's still left in and around you and be happy!"

Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy.

Anne Frank

Overcrowding

Living in South Essex I'm getting really fed up with how crowded the area is.  Traffic moves slowly everywhere; no parking when you get where you want to be; public transport nearly ceases by 19:00; high land/property prices.  The really big one is how unfriendly people are, complete contrast to small towns, it's very unusual for anyone in the street to talk to a stranger, or even neighbour.

Government/council is only interested in packing more people in, encouraging infill building at stupidly high densities with no new infrastructure.

Soon as our kids are out of school I'm moving.

Fairness in education

Just been reading an article - the UK is increasing the extra payments to schools for disadvantaged children to £600 from £480.  The idea is to give all children an equal chance in life.
Surely to be fair all kids should have exactly the same resources spent on them.  I used to teach special needs groups and was quite surprised at just how much resource is available to this group - once they have crossed an invisible line and been classed as 'special needs'.  Against the intention of government this extra resource was withheld from kids with special needs at the 'superbrain' end of the spectrum.

There seems to be the idea that all individuals should achieve identical levels of attainment.  This seems contrary to my own experience that different individuals have different capabilities and levels of achievement.

The elephant in the room is that genetics does play some role in individual's IQ, motivation etc.  Parents who are low achievers are likely - in general, not in every specific case - to have children with a lower potential for achievement.

It's really not fair for the high achievers to be highly taxed, and then for their children to be deprived of a fair - i.e. equal - share of the education pot.  Could say the same thing about wealthy pensioners; they've paid in all their lives at a high level and the left wing whingers want to deprive them of their well earned state pensions so that those who have contributed far less (or have contributed negatively) can have more.

Can the more rabid socialists get it into their minds that if you contribute to society, you need to be rewarded or there's just no incentive to be a contributor.