I'm back

Haven't blogged for ages.  An awful lot has been going on in my life.  About a month ago, after a series of knockbacks I suddenly (in a matter of seconds) came out of the depression I've been suffering for the last 12+ years.  Worst bit is, I was told I'd been 'cured' 11 years ago, and thought the struggle I'd been having with daily life was just normal.
The cage of depression had been preventing me getting on with anything beyond introspective doom and gloom; anger with the world and everything and everyone round me.
The knockbacks I've had;  A hidden camera stunt commissioned by channel 4 really offended me and sent me back into alcohol abuse and then back onto anti depressants;  A weekend away I'd been (desperately) looking forward to was suddenly cancelled - after I'd started coming off the anti depressants in order to be conscious of it; The final straw was a very trivial short answer from my wife.
What happened next I still don't understand, but as I turned away from my wife something shifted in my mind, all the repressions and problems of my whole lifetime evaporated; my lifetimes value system seemed turned on it's head; many things became clear.

I was a new person.  I turned and said to my wife 'I can't do this anymore, I want a divorce'.

I signed the divorce papers a couple of days ago.  All the things I'd been told to do to 'cure' the depression have now become possible.  I've written a diary, putting events and thoughts down on paper; taken up yoga and Ballroom&Latin dancing; I'm volunteering with a local environmental group.

I've learnt the truth 'Smile and the world smiles with you'.  I strike up conversations with strangers.  I have no fear of crowds and human contact.  I'm unafraid of the truth.  The door of life is open for whatever I want to make of it.

I only wish the many other people struggling with depression, diagnosed or not, could catch what I've got, the world would be a happier place.

I cannot change the past and won't beat myself up with 'what ifs'.  For maybe the first time in my life I'm free and happy.