Recently posted about coming out of depression after many years. I've done much thinking about what's happened to me. Over the last 4-5 years I've been connecting with nature through bushcraft, and with my own inner self through many hours of meditation. When I was first diagnosed with depression, I went through 14 months of psychotherapy, getting to know my self and motivations with professional guidance. All this together has created a self awareness greater than most people would achieve (or want).
My basic belief is that people have two basic parts to their mind. The ego, civilised mind or whatever you wish to call it is responsible for our conscious thought and is what we call our 'self'. The id, animal, instinctive mind is the other part that we're generally not aware of. Consideration of the relationship has shown to me that the id is by far the larger part of the mind, monitoring and handling a million and one functions we need to exist and survive. It also feeds data to the ego, screening out the vast majority of 'unnecessary' input streams. It also handles information retrieval from memory as requested by the ego.
What I believe caused my depression was a conflict between the ego and id. 'I' wanted to repress many natural instincts in order to be 'civilised'. To please parents, partner, employer and authority as I'd been taught all my life. The id, instinctive, primitive part of the mind is evil, wrong and uncivilised and must be held down, according to this teaching.
The final knockbacks I took which led to my recovery led, I believe, to my ego mind simply 'giving up' and yielding control to the powerful animal mind that has always been there. I haven't become a murderer or rapist - the idea that the instinctive mind is evil must surely be wrong or the human race could never have flourished as it has. I operate now on a much more instinctive plane - it can also be described as a more spiritual plane.
Gone is the awkwardness dealing with other people. Activities like Yoga and Ballroom dancing are done without really thinking about them, just enjoying them. There are still times when the ego mind has to think about new movements and learn them to programme the id, and at these times the physical awkwardness returns.
The ego mind can deal with 5 to 7 things at a time. Just think of all the functions your brain is controlling, the chemical factories in your body being monitored, every single one of your nerve endings in every one of your senses being constantly monitored for danger. The instinctive mind is far far more powerful than it's generally given credit for.
Think what animals can do, their awareness that seems magical to us. Their grace and silent movement. If we can use the animal parts of our mind, we can do these magical things too. I believe many of the things our conscious mind has tried to ascribe to 'natural energies', 'auras' or even 'god' actually come from the promptings of our own internal instinctive mind.
I'm no guru, I'm just one bloke in one place and time thinking for myself. I've walked my own path to reach this point for many years, taking pieces to fit into my picture from others as seemed suitable at the time. I hope others can also work out their own route to their own version of sanity. Good travelling.
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