Animal v Civilised

Recently posted about coming out of depression after many years.  I've done much thinking about what's happened to me.  Over the last 4-5 years I've been connecting with nature through bushcraft, and with my own inner self through many hours of meditation.  When I was first diagnosed with depression, I went through 14 months of psychotherapy, getting to know my self and motivations with professional guidance.  All this together has created a self awareness greater than most people would achieve (or want).

My basic belief is that people have two basic parts to their mind.  The ego, civilised mind or whatever you wish to call it is responsible for our conscious thought and is what we call our 'self'.  The id, animal, instinctive mind is the other part that we're generally not aware of.  Consideration of the relationship has shown to me that the id is by far the larger part of the mind, monitoring and handling a million and one functions we need to exist and survive.  It also feeds data to the ego, screening out the vast majority of 'unnecessary' input streams.  It also handles information retrieval from memory as requested by the ego.
What I believe caused my depression was a conflict between the ego and id.  'I' wanted to repress many natural instincts in order to be 'civilised'.  To please parents, partner, employer and authority as I'd been taught all my life.  The id, instinctive, primitive part of the mind is evil, wrong and uncivilised and must be held down, according to this teaching.
The final knockbacks I took which led to my recovery led, I believe, to my ego mind simply 'giving up' and yielding control to the powerful animal mind that has always been there.  I haven't become a murderer or rapist - the idea that the instinctive mind is evil must surely be wrong or the human race could never have flourished as it has.  I operate now on a much more instinctive plane - it can also be described as a more spiritual plane.
Gone is the awkwardness dealing with other people.  Activities like Yoga and Ballroom dancing are done without really thinking about them, just enjoying them.  There are still times when the ego mind has to think about new movements and learn them to programme the id, and at these times the physical awkwardness returns.
The ego mind can deal with 5 to 7 things at a time.  Just think of all the functions your brain is controlling, the chemical factories in your body being monitored, every single one of your nerve endings in every one of your senses being constantly monitored for danger.  The instinctive mind is far far more powerful than it's generally given credit for.
Think what animals can do, their awareness that seems magical to us.  Their grace and silent movement.  If we can use the animal parts of our mind, we can do these magical things too.  I believe many of the things our conscious mind has tried to ascribe to 'natural energies', 'auras' or even 'god' actually come from the promptings of our own internal instinctive mind.

I'm no guru, I'm just one bloke in one place and time thinking for myself.  I've walked my own path to reach this point for many years, taking pieces to fit into my picture from others as seemed suitable at the time.  I hope others can also work out their own route to their own version of sanity.  Good travelling.

I'm back

Haven't blogged for ages.  An awful lot has been going on in my life.  About a month ago, after a series of knockbacks I suddenly (in a matter of seconds) came out of the depression I've been suffering for the last 12+ years.  Worst bit is, I was told I'd been 'cured' 11 years ago, and thought the struggle I'd been having with daily life was just normal.
The cage of depression had been preventing me getting on with anything beyond introspective doom and gloom; anger with the world and everything and everyone round me.
The knockbacks I've had;  A hidden camera stunt commissioned by channel 4 really offended me and sent me back into alcohol abuse and then back onto anti depressants;  A weekend away I'd been (desperately) looking forward to was suddenly cancelled - after I'd started coming off the anti depressants in order to be conscious of it; The final straw was a very trivial short answer from my wife.
What happened next I still don't understand, but as I turned away from my wife something shifted in my mind, all the repressions and problems of my whole lifetime evaporated; my lifetimes value system seemed turned on it's head; many things became clear.

I was a new person.  I turned and said to my wife 'I can't do this anymore, I want a divorce'.

I signed the divorce papers a couple of days ago.  All the things I'd been told to do to 'cure' the depression have now become possible.  I've written a diary, putting events and thoughts down on paper; taken up yoga and Ballroom&Latin dancing; I'm volunteering with a local environmental group.

I've learnt the truth 'Smile and the world smiles with you'.  I strike up conversations with strangers.  I have no fear of crowds and human contact.  I'm unafraid of the truth.  The door of life is open for whatever I want to make of it.

I only wish the many other people struggling with depression, diagnosed or not, could catch what I've got, the world would be a happier place.

I cannot change the past and won't beat myself up with 'what ifs'.  For maybe the first time in my life I'm free and happy.