Been a while since my last post. Divorce is jogging along, having been slowed down by my wife changing her mind on financial agreements. I'm going to have to get rid of most of my material goods as for a while I won't have a permanent home. The idea of getting rid of most of my 'stuff' is actually quite liberating. Just one car bootful of clothing and necessities will be all I'll have.
To this end I took a carload of goods down to the local 'lazybones' bootfair. Arrived shortly before it was due to start to find it actually in full swing and thronging with a variety of folk. Even before I'd unloaded the traders were peering into my car and asking what I had. Bumped my prices up a bit - of they really wanted the stuff they could pay a decent price for it. They were quite friendly and chatty, actually decent people rather than the the vultures I'd half expected. Sold a few bits to them. The process of setting out my goods was rather delayed by constant enquiries from the passing punters, ended up as a series of alternating negotiations and arranging more chattels for sale.
After the initial rush, it settled down to fairly regular enquiries for various bits. Once everything was out I could relax more and take in the scene. Most of the customers were ordinary people more interested in just nosing round than buying. If anything took their eye they'd enquire the price and either buy at that price or leave it. There were the 'trader' type people who would happily haggle and were quite content if you stuck to your price. There was also a tiny minority of quite aggressive buyers who seemed to think you HAD to sell to them at whatever price they offered. Luckily they were easy to spot and didn't seem too bright. they invariably offered about half the asking price, so it was simple to double the price wanted to allow the knockdown. Not possible with everything, but the 'junk' items I didn't want much for could be dealt with in that way. It also surprised me how many foreign languages were being spoken. In ordinary life I meet hardly any non-native people, I'd assumed there weren't many in our local area. Just shows how wrong your preconceptions and prejudices can be.
Quite a successful morning all in. Took about £150 after expenses. I just need to stop thinking how much I'd actually paid for all the stuff I sold. It had all been sitting doing nothing for years, and I'd had good usage out of much of it, but the 'as new' value still compares badly with the boot sale prices!
Previous boot fairs I've done had been pretty unsuccesful, this one worked well because I had a lot of decent stuff to get rid of. There were surprises - books, cups and glasses were a complete waste of time. Tools were good sellers at decent prices, but the biggest surprise was a box of junk 78rpm records which had regular visits by a variety of people (all men!) and quite a few sales. I'll try my more modern vinyl if I do another fair.
Sunday 26 August 2012
Saturday 2 June 2012
Animal v Civilised
Recently posted about coming out of depression after many years. I've done much thinking about what's happened to me. Over the last 4-5 years I've been connecting with nature through bushcraft, and with my own inner self through many hours of meditation. When I was first diagnosed with depression, I went through 14 months of psychotherapy, getting to know my self and motivations with professional guidance. All this together has created a self awareness greater than most people would achieve (or want).
My basic belief is that people have two basic parts to their mind. The ego, civilised mind or whatever you wish to call it is responsible for our conscious thought and is what we call our 'self'. The id, animal, instinctive mind is the other part that we're generally not aware of. Consideration of the relationship has shown to me that the id is by far the larger part of the mind, monitoring and handling a million and one functions we need to exist and survive. It also feeds data to the ego, screening out the vast majority of 'unnecessary' input streams. It also handles information retrieval from memory as requested by the ego.
What I believe caused my depression was a conflict between the ego and id. 'I' wanted to repress many natural instincts in order to be 'civilised'. To please parents, partner, employer and authority as I'd been taught all my life. The id, instinctive, primitive part of the mind is evil, wrong and uncivilised and must be held down, according to this teaching.
The final knockbacks I took which led to my recovery led, I believe, to my ego mind simply 'giving up' and yielding control to the powerful animal mind that has always been there. I haven't become a murderer or rapist - the idea that the instinctive mind is evil must surely be wrong or the human race could never have flourished as it has. I operate now on a much more instinctive plane - it can also be described as a more spiritual plane.
Gone is the awkwardness dealing with other people. Activities like Yoga and Ballroom dancing are done without really thinking about them, just enjoying them. There are still times when the ego mind has to think about new movements and learn them to programme the id, and at these times the physical awkwardness returns.
The ego mind can deal with 5 to 7 things at a time. Just think of all the functions your brain is controlling, the chemical factories in your body being monitored, every single one of your nerve endings in every one of your senses being constantly monitored for danger. The instinctive mind is far far more powerful than it's generally given credit for.
Think what animals can do, their awareness that seems magical to us. Their grace and silent movement. If we can use the animal parts of our mind, we can do these magical things too. I believe many of the things our conscious mind has tried to ascribe to 'natural energies', 'auras' or even 'god' actually come from the promptings of our own internal instinctive mind.
I'm no guru, I'm just one bloke in one place and time thinking for myself. I've walked my own path to reach this point for many years, taking pieces to fit into my picture from others as seemed suitable at the time. I hope others can also work out their own route to their own version of sanity. Good travelling.
My basic belief is that people have two basic parts to their mind. The ego, civilised mind or whatever you wish to call it is responsible for our conscious thought and is what we call our 'self'. The id, animal, instinctive mind is the other part that we're generally not aware of. Consideration of the relationship has shown to me that the id is by far the larger part of the mind, monitoring and handling a million and one functions we need to exist and survive. It also feeds data to the ego, screening out the vast majority of 'unnecessary' input streams. It also handles information retrieval from memory as requested by the ego.
What I believe caused my depression was a conflict between the ego and id. 'I' wanted to repress many natural instincts in order to be 'civilised'. To please parents, partner, employer and authority as I'd been taught all my life. The id, instinctive, primitive part of the mind is evil, wrong and uncivilised and must be held down, according to this teaching.
The final knockbacks I took which led to my recovery led, I believe, to my ego mind simply 'giving up' and yielding control to the powerful animal mind that has always been there. I haven't become a murderer or rapist - the idea that the instinctive mind is evil must surely be wrong or the human race could never have flourished as it has. I operate now on a much more instinctive plane - it can also be described as a more spiritual plane.
Gone is the awkwardness dealing with other people. Activities like Yoga and Ballroom dancing are done without really thinking about them, just enjoying them. There are still times when the ego mind has to think about new movements and learn them to programme the id, and at these times the physical awkwardness returns.
The ego mind can deal with 5 to 7 things at a time. Just think of all the functions your brain is controlling, the chemical factories in your body being monitored, every single one of your nerve endings in every one of your senses being constantly monitored for danger. The instinctive mind is far far more powerful than it's generally given credit for.
Think what animals can do, their awareness that seems magical to us. Their grace and silent movement. If we can use the animal parts of our mind, we can do these magical things too. I believe many of the things our conscious mind has tried to ascribe to 'natural energies', 'auras' or even 'god' actually come from the promptings of our own internal instinctive mind.
I'm no guru, I'm just one bloke in one place and time thinking for myself. I've walked my own path to reach this point for many years, taking pieces to fit into my picture from others as seemed suitable at the time. I hope others can also work out their own route to their own version of sanity. Good travelling.
Friday 1 June 2012
I'm back
Haven't blogged for ages. An awful lot has been going on in my life. About a month ago, after a series of knockbacks I suddenly (in a matter of seconds) came out of the depression I've been suffering for the last 12+ years. Worst bit is, I was told I'd been 'cured' 11 years ago, and thought the struggle I'd been having with daily life was just normal.
The cage of depression had been preventing me getting on with anything beyond introspective doom and gloom; anger with the world and everything and everyone round me.
The knockbacks I've had; A hidden camera stunt commissioned by channel 4 really offended me and sent me back into alcohol abuse and then back onto anti depressants; A weekend away I'd been (desperately) looking forward to was suddenly cancelled - after I'd started coming off the anti depressants in order to be conscious of it; The final straw was a very trivial short answer from my wife.
What happened next I still don't understand, but as I turned away from my wife something shifted in my mind, all the repressions and problems of my whole lifetime evaporated; my lifetimes value system seemed turned on it's head; many things became clear.
I was a new person. I turned and said to my wife 'I can't do this anymore, I want a divorce'.
I signed the divorce papers a couple of days ago. All the things I'd been told to do to 'cure' the depression have now become possible. I've written a diary, putting events and thoughts down on paper; taken up yoga and Ballroom&Latin dancing; I'm volunteering with a local environmental group.
I've learnt the truth 'Smile and the world smiles with you'. I strike up conversations with strangers. I have no fear of crowds and human contact. I'm unafraid of the truth. The door of life is open for whatever I want to make of it.
I only wish the many other people struggling with depression, diagnosed or not, could catch what I've got, the world would be a happier place.
I cannot change the past and won't beat myself up with 'what ifs'. For maybe the first time in my life I'm free and happy.
The cage of depression had been preventing me getting on with anything beyond introspective doom and gloom; anger with the world and everything and everyone round me.
The knockbacks I've had; A hidden camera stunt commissioned by channel 4 really offended me and sent me back into alcohol abuse and then back onto anti depressants; A weekend away I'd been (desperately) looking forward to was suddenly cancelled - after I'd started coming off the anti depressants in order to be conscious of it; The final straw was a very trivial short answer from my wife.
What happened next I still don't understand, but as I turned away from my wife something shifted in my mind, all the repressions and problems of my whole lifetime evaporated; my lifetimes value system seemed turned on it's head; many things became clear.
I was a new person. I turned and said to my wife 'I can't do this anymore, I want a divorce'.
I signed the divorce papers a couple of days ago. All the things I'd been told to do to 'cure' the depression have now become possible. I've written a diary, putting events and thoughts down on paper; taken up yoga and Ballroom&Latin dancing; I'm volunteering with a local environmental group.
I've learnt the truth 'Smile and the world smiles with you'. I strike up conversations with strangers. I have no fear of crowds and human contact. I'm unafraid of the truth. The door of life is open for whatever I want to make of it.
I only wish the many other people struggling with depression, diagnosed or not, could catch what I've got, the world would be a happier place.
I cannot change the past and won't beat myself up with 'what ifs'. For maybe the first time in my life I'm free and happy.
Friday 3 February 2012
Malicious woman rant
Had a tiring day yesterday, all the way from SE Essex to Plymouth and back by train for a University admission interview for my son.
Sitting at Fenchurch on the way home waiting for the train to start a well dressed middle aged lady got on. Coming down the train there were plenty of seats. My sons art portfolio was blocking one seat as it was too large to comfortably store on the racks or anywhere else. The women promptly kicked the portfolio; we moved it out of her way and she sat in the seat that had been blocked. I rather assumed she was a bit drunk so made no issue of it.She then produced her phone and proceeded to make a series of phone calls. They seemed to consist of nothing but malicious gossip, telling one person what someone else had said against them. Thankfully she went over to text, but her whole body language just screamed the hate she was putting into the messages. Someone (husband?) rang who she assured she'd had her hair done which is why she was late. (lousy hairdresser I'd say). She also put her boots on the seat opposite while doing this. A further series of phone calls, all of which I really didn't want to hear. For the worst bits she turned away and faced the corridor floor as if that would stop the whole carriage hearing her bellowing other peoples secrets into her phone.
Finally we got up to leave the train - she was sitting talking into her phone about a death which she obviously didn't give a **** about. As I went to pass her she abruptly stood and leapt in front of me to leave the train first.
Rant over.
I know this woman is ultimately the biggest loser of her own behaviour. I just wish I could grow sufficiently to simply let nasty people like this dissolve in their own malice without allowing it to bring me down. Play nice, late night trains aren't a nice place to be.
Sitting at Fenchurch on the way home waiting for the train to start a well dressed middle aged lady got on. Coming down the train there were plenty of seats. My sons art portfolio was blocking one seat as it was too large to comfortably store on the racks or anywhere else. The women promptly kicked the portfolio; we moved it out of her way and she sat in the seat that had been blocked. I rather assumed she was a bit drunk so made no issue of it.She then produced her phone and proceeded to make a series of phone calls. They seemed to consist of nothing but malicious gossip, telling one person what someone else had said against them. Thankfully she went over to text, but her whole body language just screamed the hate she was putting into the messages. Someone (husband?) rang who she assured she'd had her hair done which is why she was late. (lousy hairdresser I'd say). She also put her boots on the seat opposite while doing this. A further series of phone calls, all of which I really didn't want to hear. For the worst bits she turned away and faced the corridor floor as if that would stop the whole carriage hearing her bellowing other peoples secrets into her phone.
Finally we got up to leave the train - she was sitting talking into her phone about a death which she obviously didn't give a **** about. As I went to pass her she abruptly stood and leapt in front of me to leave the train first.
Rant over.
I know this woman is ultimately the biggest loser of her own behaviour. I just wish I could grow sufficiently to simply let nasty people like this dissolve in their own malice without allowing it to bring me down. Play nice, late night trains aren't a nice place to be.
Wednesday 4 January 2012
Freezer defrost
When you're watching, the thawed water obediently drips down the outlet into your tray.
Leave it unwatched for five minutes and the floor floods...
Leave it unwatched for five minutes and the floor floods...
Monday 2 January 2012
Murder living at such high densities
More murders over the xmas/new year. Back in the seventies there was research into high density living using loads of rats crammed into small spaces. The results were the sort of mental problems and aggression we're getting in cities now.
Unless people are prepared to make the effort to obey all the rules PLUS be nice to each other (i.e. be civilized) the minor stresses of high density living inevitably lead to this sort of behaviour. I've personally been through a nervous breakdown - the work stress that allegedly caused it was only part of the problem. The constant drip of minor irritations and rudenesses while commuting and moving about London meant that it was just too hard to deal with the major work stress that I'd coped with fine for many years while working locally with relatively polite neighbours.
Unless people are prepared to make the effort to obey all the rules PLUS be nice to each other (i.e. be civilized) the minor stresses of high density living inevitably lead to this sort of behaviour. I've personally been through a nervous breakdown - the work stress that allegedly caused it was only part of the problem. The constant drip of minor irritations and rudenesses while commuting and moving about London meant that it was just too hard to deal with the major work stress that I'd coped with fine for many years while working locally with relatively polite neighbours.
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